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We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet. 
my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
I've just bought the personalized number plate baa baa. For my black jeep.
Wait till they realize that Frosty has no pants and smokes a pipe in front of children.
Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.
Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)
It's so cold Richard Simmons started wearing pants
A fun thing to do is to call someone & say "HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE"
I only buy extra virgin olive oil...Because I don't know where those other oils have been.
Remember friends, You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your July4th cookout.
*spills one drop of maple syrup (entire house is sticky for the next decade)
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
"Nice mask' Me firting in 2020
We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension. 