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The beard is the male version of a push up bra. Use it to your advantage... 
The scary part of Artificial Intelligence, is that it's becoming Artificially Influential.
Number one 2026 Pick Up Line: "I have a full tank of gas."
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it's working.
When we yawn, do deaf people think we are yelling?
Whoever put the S in fast food is a marketing genius.
I didn’t say you were a ho… I said you take bigger loads down the throat than Charlie Kirk
Where can I apply for fuel stamps???
My wife asked how golf went. I said, "Mentally? Tough. Spiritually? Necessary".
I don't usually brag about going to expensive places... But I just left the gas station.
My wife asked why I wake up at 4 a.m. to fish. Because peace and quiet are apparently sunrise exclusives
I don't understand why banks get upset when you can't repay a loan. You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it.
My wife said, "Do whatever you want". I'm currently evaluating risk.
I told my wife I had a plan. She asked if it was a good one. I said, "It exists".
My wife asked if I was listening. I heard enough to be concerned.
I keep having this recurring nightmare. It lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot...
What up MM?
It's not easy being my wife's arm candy, but I hear I'm nailing it.
Never put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket. 