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Fact of life: The older you get, the more risky a sneeze becomes. 
Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”
Everyone keeps saying John Cena tapped out. How do they know? You can’t see him!
Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb", I need one that says, "Already disturbed. Proceed with caution".
Had to go outside and think its so cold out here my hands are starting to free
My wife accused me of being a transvestite so I packed her stuff and left
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a constant whining noise. They removed my wife from the car and it's been quiet ever since.
Save $ decorating your Christmas tree well at the same time confusing your WiFi by placing Aluminum foil in the Paper shredder. Viola Tinsel and sketchy reception.
A condom is a diaper for your privates
If I ever get married, I'm thinking it will be closed casket
Just got my wish list returned from Santa. The note attached said, "LMBO... NO!
The air outside feels like a Newport menthol 100
Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work, and the other half aren't so bright.
Wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and have them call me when it's ready to be picked up.
The hacker was so disappointed in my bank account, he started a Go Fund Me page.
Pro Tip: no one will notice your holiday weight gain if you carry a pie everywhere
People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders
I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face but with words.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I stayed on the couch with my snacks getting fatter
Hot older men in your area want to know if you've been playing with the thermostat. 