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Just farted at work and maintenance was called to my area to look for a sewer leak. 
Not today Satan !! ... Wait.......what kind of cookies did you say?
So ripping off taxpayers of billions is ok, but Menards rebate is bad?
Santa, no matter what my wife says, I have been very good this year.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."
Fact of life: The older you get, the more risky a sneeze becomes.
Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”
Everyone keeps saying John Cena tapped out. How do they know? You can’t see him!
Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb", I need one that says, "Already disturbed. Proceed with caution".
Had to go outside and think its so cold out here my hands are starting to free
My wife accused me of being a transvestite so I packed her stuff and left
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a constant whining noise. They removed my wife from the car and it's been quiet ever since.
Save $ decorating your Christmas tree well at the same time confusing your WiFi by placing Aluminum foil in the Paper shredder. Viola Tinsel and sketchy reception.
A condom is a diaper for your privates
If I ever get married, I'm thinking it will be closed casket
Just got my wish list returned from Santa. The note attached said, "LMBO... NO!
The air outside feels like a Newport menthol 100
Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work, and the other half aren't so bright.
Wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and have them call me when it's ready to be picked up.
The hacker was so disappointed in my bank account, he started a Go Fund Me page. 