Funny Status Messages

   When your kids say they hate school, remember to tell them that someday if they're lucky, they'll have a job they hate too.

   Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.

   I called my wife to tell her I'd seen a bear on the way to work. She asked how I knew it was on its way to work. I hung up on her.

   Screwed around and used all my sick days. Now I gotta call in dead.

   I guess they had to invent artificial intelligence since real intelligence is running out.

   Can we please stop the spin the wheel crap when visiting a website already?

   Sometimes I think about deleting all social media and living in a cabin in the woods. Then I remember I like online shopping.

   I love that I have a positive mental attitude. I'm positive. I'm mental. And I definitely have attitude.

   Marriage tip: Always keep your spouse as the center on your phone. That way, whenever you need some encouragement, you can look at your phone and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to this person for so long, I can get through anything".

   They say that the machines of the future will be as smart as people. Which people? It kind of matters.

   Marriage tip: Always let your wife know that you are all about fighting for women's rights. Especially the right to remain silent. There's no reason she needs to talk so much. It's not like appliances are voice activated.

   I can't wait to retire so I can get up at 6 and go drive around really slowly and make everyone late for work.

   Stop trying to please people that already don't like you. Instead embrace the idea of being the most annoying person in their lives.

   I have a question, can you contact me at aim-duque15@m.spheremail.net ? Cheers!

   Hello, I would like more information about this. Kind regards, aim-duque15@m.spheremail.net

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse".

   All I do is work, sleep, and eat. And I'm still broke, sleepy, and hungry.

   If I make you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple, "Thank you". Not all this, "How did you get into my house?" nonsense.

   Random tip: If you fill a pinata with ketchup, you never have to host a children's birthday party ever again!

   There are roughly 700,000 people having sex at any given moment. Meanwhile, I'm practicing how to kiss a girl with wild raccoons.