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just microwaved some soup......ever get the feeling you're being watched? 
I've stopped brushing my teeth in preparation for St. Patty's Day
OMG the internet is broken. I just searched for pictures of bare naked ladies and all I found was a bunch of pictures of old fat guys.
I'm having an old person moment....How do I work the camera on my microwave?
The microwave sent those nudes, not me.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it's easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
I speak several languages besides English: British, Australian, Scottish and Welch.
Ladies, you're the syrup atop my waffles, the sizzle on my bacon and the cream in my coffee. What I'm saying is ur killing me.
I miss the 90s when grunge rock made bedhead cool and fashionable.
Always memorize your grocery list in case the CIA hacked your iPhone notes.
The percent of pre-marital sex within the animal world is rampant.
Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just a guy stopping for a cigarette.
They have better health care in China at the robot factory that built Paul Ryan.
The best thing about Daylight Savings Time is it shortens the current Presidental term by one hour.
Reasons to Support American Health Care Act: 1) Controls overpopulation. 2) Supports a minority (the 1%). 3) Helps millions (of cancer cells).
It's all fun and games until someone brings out Monopoly.....
Probably the coolest thing about dating me is knowing if we have sex I'll recite Wikipedia pages to help educate you.
In her defense, Kellyanne Conway was misled by the toaster.
Alternative Fact: You can't get pregnant on Spring Break. Summer is the only time you can get pregnant. 