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Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening. 
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs
Wife asks why I keep a weapon inside the house. Told her I was scared of government agencies spying on us-- She laughed. I laughed. Our Smart TV laughed.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about
America won't be truly great again until we eradicate anyone who willingly orders coleslaw as a side
We have reached a disturbing stage as a society. A stage where if you do something stupid, disturbing, sick, nasty, disgusting or perverted, you are guaranteed to have some people who are going to cosign and support it.
Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.
Given the exploding population of idiots in our communities, I think it’s about time we required people to pass a test first before they are allowed to vote. We can’t afford to put our destiny in the hands of clueless idiots.
don't forget tonight we time travel without a T.A.R.D.I.S
Women will get equal pay once they are willing to pick up the check at dinner.
i dropped my affordable health care because I couldn't afford it .
I have herpes. Wait. Autocorrect strikes again. I have recipes.
Folks should be made aware of the difference between want and need. Example: I want a hot body, but I need pizza.
Remember this my friends: With great power comes a great electric bill.
I'm going to see to it that Tallmtnman dies from my hands. We don't need raci.sts like him.
I'm going to the store. I'm at the doctor. My daughter is at the prom. I'm at a restaurant. My dog got a sticker in his paw. (That comprises 90% of all social media posts.)
When you start receiving "Lifetime Achievement" awards it's probably a good time to make sure your will is up to date.
Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.
I may never understand women but I do know two words never to say to them, "calm down."
Do you know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing in the clutch far enough when shifting. 