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The only snowflake that I'm proud about are the ones I turn yellow. 
Instead of condom, I like to call it a child-proof cap.
Steve Bannon spent St. Patrick's Day the way he spends every other day, drinking us all into oblivion.
So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?
Future Jobs For Kellyanne Conway: Curator of the Bowling Green Massacre Memorial Museum.
Secret Service laptop with highly sensitive information on it has been stolen, Kellyanne Conway blames her microwave.
I went to Whole Foods and then bought two printer cartridges and paid my Comcast bill. I’m broke until 2023.
Jeff Sessions said marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin, which is like saying chocolate is only a bit better than the holocaust.
St Patrick's Day taught me a valuable lesson, I'm not young enough to drink anymore.
New Job For Kellyanne Conway: Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.
After the President asked for an intelligence audit, the FBI review showed that no signs of intelligence could be found at the White House.
Siri, please delete all the baby videos from everyone's phones you're on.
A real cop show is one of them being on disability for blowing out a hammy while chasing a suspect.
If you were considering jogging, remember you can also NOT consider jogging. No one is keeping track. Live dangerous. Stay in one place.
“Buy one get one free” deals are an attempt by retailers to manipulate your shopping habits. Demonstrate your superior willpower by purchasing five.
Be a savvy consumer. Do your research rather than trusting your local circus barker’s claims that no other wonders on earth could compare to the oddities found in his freak show.
Wife: Did you forget to run the dishwasher? Me: [drinking a beer from a crusty old flower vase] No. Why?
Roll over Beethoven...:(
Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.
There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge. 