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Future Job For Kellyanne Conway: Starbucks Barrista. 
Auditioning for the television show Storage Wars. ME: Paper cup? $50. Plastic spork? $35. Used tissue? $75. I think I got this audition in the bag!
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
Twisted Personal Ads: SWM seeking SWF. Age, ethnicity and religion not important. Nymphomaniacal tendencies and chronic laryngitis are a plus. Please reply to Box OU692
A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.
The moment Steve Bannon tells you to keep your mouth shut is the moment you start yelling as loud as you can.
According to the United Nations' World Happiness Report, Norway is the happiest country in the world. They must not watch The Kardashians.
Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes
If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons
They say that ignorance is bliss but I find it rather disturbing.
Of all the poop in this world, who decided that bat shyt's the craziest?
Tough part of being vegan is getting up @ 5 am to milk the almonds...
Sean Hannity debating Ted Koppel about real journalism is like a 5-year-old debating his dad about the rules of the house.
Apparently the Art of the Deal is actually the doodles you draw on your notepad while your deal crumbles.
Don't you people see.... these dummy-crats are trying to peece us off. Lets show them we are bigger than that, and they need a job.
almost annoyed by the fact that Pablo Escobar spent most of his life tucking in his shirt but he’s only remembered for selling drugs.
If there is a watermelon why isn't there an earthmelon and firemelon and airmelon? You know…the elemelons
I'm glad to see most of you are not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
At the end of the day the most overused phrase is at the end of the day.
During the election Syria financialy supported 2 groups... 1SlS and the Clinton campaign. 