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I've been putting Root Beer in a square glass all evening. I'm still not drunk. 
Fun Fact: Paul Manafort is a direct descendant of Benedict Arnold.
Paul Manafort just offered to help Vladimir Putin move apartments.
No one will really notice your awkwardness if you turn it into a dance routine.
distance can be so cruel when you love somebody
If you don't know where you stand with people then walk away.
Make sure you've got something of yourself left over for the ones that love you. 3 replies 65 retweets 121 likes
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Stalin should have known communism doesn't work. There were red flags everywhere.
When it comes to acronyms, I believe that DILLIGAF is right "up there" with NASA.
Be careful if you are driving around DC this week. Lots of key GOPers are throwing their credibility out the window. That sort of thing could damage innocent passersby.
CNN has confirmed the intercepted communication was a call to a brothel ordering a young lady willing to pee on an old man. The John was unnamed, but everyone could tell who it was.
The President woke up this morning and said "I don't think we have been corrupt enough yet. There must be more lies we can tell. Get Devin on the phone."
3 things I don't like: 1. Focusing on things I don't like 2. Lists 3. Irony
Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .
My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.
Tom Brady's jersey would have never been stolen if we had a wall. There, I said it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. 