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Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds. 
"Mommy, can we go visit grandpa in Washington this weekend?" "Barron, I've told you a hundred times that is your Daddy."
If this is a witch hunt, didn't it end when they found Kellyanne?
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts…
I miss the days when microwave espionage was the dumbest thing this administration had to say.
I went to a spin class led by Sean Spicer. It worked completely different leg muscles because all we did was back-pedal.
Pretty sure that Flynn wants immunity so he can confess that he was the one who took a deuce in the urinal.
This is nothing but a witch hunt. Since when is colluding with Russia a federal crime?
It is okay to have a crooked POTUS, or a rapey POTUS, but we shouldn't be okay with this crooked rapey POTUS.
Why would you trust your country to someone that you would not be willing to be alone in a room with your teenage daughter?
Hooter girls may be hot, but Subway girls are real wife material.
How we'll truly know when the economy has rebounded: When Reggae bands go back to hiring guys whose only job it is to dance.
With increased coal production the White House hopes to make steam locomotive travel popular again. Next up, whale oil lamps.
I can't help wondering if the Oval Office has a special closet for Mike Pence.
Obama ethics lawyer slams Ivanka hiring as unethical. You should never hire someone you want to bang.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
If you're a man and you post pics of nothing but cute little kittens on your Facebook timeline, effective immediately according to section 19 article 3 'YOU MUST turn in your MAN card!'.
Bruce Springstein @ $500 a ticket says "Americas already great"
When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad?
Genders are like the twin towers, there used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject. 