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I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff! 
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.
Steve Bannon removed from National Security Council due to a scheduling conflict involving drinking.
Surely hope insurance companies start classifying "delusional people who think the President is doing a good job" as a pre-existing condition.
While their senses don’t work the same as human senses, plants can see, hear, react and think. Which is more then we can say for Congress.
To everyone in the northern hemisphere, I apologize for the odious stenches emanating from my rear end this evening.
All the abortions the democrats have.. They must be aborting the good looking ones.
Alternate use for bags - Make democrats fu.ckable
In the 2020 election, remember... Bernie is with her...
Hillary and Barry Obama are going to have matching ankle braclets after federal prison.
Fox News .. we put the @ss in seaxual harassment.
I'm shocked Barry Manilow announced he's gay. I thought he was dead.
Kinda odd that Bill Clinton screwed everything but wont do Hillary.
The only way you tards are gonna push Hillary through now is with a time machine.
If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Russia doesn't have to do what the UN wants. Not when they have videos of their ugliest call girls peeing on our ugliest President.
The first rule of rich, powerful, white guy club is we didn't do anything wrong because we are rich, white and powerful.
When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slay dragons and rescue her from castle towers. Not wash dishes and clean out the basement.
I'm tired of being the giver in all my relationships and I am going to turn that around starting today. So, what are you going to do for me, Klondike Bar? 