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At least I can sleep at night knowing the best person won the election. 
Went to buy a pack of smokes and this lady behind me says "you should really quit smoking".i said I know but I'm worried if I quit smoking I might start murdering. That shut her up pretty quick.lol
Why would you schedule a vote on a bill that is at 17% approval? Have we forgotten everything Reagan taught us?
You Matter!.... until you multiply yourself times the speed of light squared. Then you Energy!
TOO bad we dont still have Obama as president... I'm sure a certain religon wants an apology for not having alot more people on the Westminster bridge
"Judge me by what I say, not what I do" - the Art of the No Deal.
A funny thing about tolerant people? They're only tolerant when you agree with them.
If we keep killing entitlement, healthcare, etc, pretty soon all America will be defending are the 1% and a bunch of rocks.
I thought it was cool when Superman visited Bizarro World where up is down and yes is no. But in a comic book. Not the White House.
All the GOP care about is who leaked. But what do you expect from a bunch of old white men whose bladders aren't their friends anymore.
Liking a celebrity's tweet in the hopes they'll notice you is like voting Republican thinking you'll be a millionaire one day.
BREAKING: Vladimir Putin gives Devin Nunes an 'attaboy.'
Folks who say, "I can't take all this drama", are the same ones who make Hollywood rich paying $15 to see it on a movie screen.
If you open a doughnut shop and don't name it "Hole Foods" well, what's the matter with you?
Looks like the Healthcare bill vote may be delayed so Nancy Pelosi can read it this time
A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss
Obama did so much for blacks, More free food and more free housing. Just what your fat white baby momma wanted.
Q: What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? A: Icy dead people.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I just bid on a Mickey Mouse Outfit and now I'm 10 minutes away from owning the Dallas Cowboys. 