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I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner. 
I think I'll open a Vietnamese Restaurant and call it "Pho King Delight."
I was dragged outta the Chinese All you Can Eat Buffet today because I refused to leave....
Hey UNITED, my ex is flying from Atlanta to San Antonio, flight 2145 row 12, seat D. Do your thing
United Airlines just received failing grade from the health department for having blood on its Chinese take out.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.
Give a man a beer and he will entertain you… Hold a mans beer and he will entertain the world.
"16 and Applying to Colleges" -rejected MTV reality series
Good thing that doctor wasn't wearing leggings, too.
Southwest- We beat our competition. Not you.
If they made a movie ,you know who would make a good Obama? Morgan Freeman. Not because they look alike but because Morgan never did a damn thing for America either.
2 predictions - 1) CNN says Democrats have 98% chance of winning the 2020 presidential election. 2) Their wrong again.
2020 democratic presidential candidate slogan - " Who want free phones?"
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Number 1 reason people voted for Hillary Clinton - They couldnt figure out how to tell their parents they were gay.
Put my phone on airplane mode and some bloke came over and dragged me out of the house.
United, we put the hospital in hospitality.
I don't want our enemies to know what I am thinking, so I will keep my thought s between me and my millions of followers on twitter.
It is gonna be awkward in the hall today when Jared runs into Sean and asks him what the holocaust Center is. 