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Miss the days when a White House scandal only involved the Oval Office and an intern with dirty knees. 
The EPA is rejecting science in favor of blind faith in mega-conglomerates who prize profit over humanity. That's why it was created, right?
Watching the news is like playing Clue. So how do you think Flynn's going to die? Bannon in the bathroom with a needle.
Want to help mexicans? Forget protesting the wall. Get your family on heroin.
I installed an energy saving water heater this morning. It's a tankless job but somebody has to do it.
Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?
Curosity killed the cat, but I was suspect for a while
At my age the only thing that gets TURNED on is MR. Coffee
been single for so long I should change my name to "Kraft"
I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.
I'm so glad we don't have a Democrat president or else everyone would be crying.....wait everyone is!
The leading cause of divorce is marriage.
When I give my cat leftover cat food from the refrigerator he looks at me like I just asked him for a ride to the airport.
Has found love on facebook. Shes from Bangladesh and "wan day will reash amehica."
Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.
"Mommy, can we go visit grandpa in Washington this weekend?" "Barron, I've told you a hundred times that is your Daddy."
If this is a witch hunt, didn't it end when they found Kellyanne?
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts…
I miss the days when microwave espionage was the dumbest thing this administration had to say.
I went to a spin class led by Sean Spicer. It worked completely different leg muscles because all we did was back-pedal. 