Funny Status Messages

   I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like being italian and having to talk with handcuffs.

   I go around at night knocking the little lead pieces off of people's tires at night. I own the tire shop up the street.

   Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.

   There's a reason Jesus didn't turn water into whiskey

   I went to the toilet without my phone. There's 118 floor tiles and the longest word on a shampoo bottle is "methylchloroisothiazolinone".

   There are no Walmarts in Syria....only Targets.

   I sure am glad Hillary didn't get elected because we'd still have Obamacare and be at war with Syria.

   i like interacting with people except on days that end with a Y

   The sign said "Buy One, Get One Free!" but I only needed one. So I took just the free one. My hearing is next week.

   Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here screwing sheep.”

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   All these great deals we were promised must be happening on days that I am not watching the news.

   The Chinese President accidentally called Steve Bannon "Mr. President" because all these white guys look the same.

   Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

   Remember folks tax day is coming up... make sure you check nearby dumpsters and trash cans for those receipts.

   I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!

   I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

   Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.

   Steve Bannon removed from National Security Council due to a scheduling conflict involving drinking.