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Give a man a beer and he will entertain you… Hold a mans beer and he will entertain the world. 
"16 and Applying to Colleges" -rejected MTV reality series
Good thing that doctor wasn't wearing leggings, too.
Southwest- We beat our competition. Not you.
If they made a movie ,you know who would make a good Obama? Morgan Freeman. Not because they look alike but because Morgan never did a damn thing for America either.
2 predictions - 1) CNN says Democrats have 98% chance of winning the 2020 presidential election. 2) Their wrong again.
2020 democratic presidential candidate slogan - " Who want free phones?"
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Number 1 reason people voted for Hillary Clinton - They couldnt figure out how to tell their parents they were gay.
Put my phone on airplane mode and some bloke came over and dragged me out of the house.
United, we put the hospital in hospitality.
I don't want our enemies to know what I am thinking, so I will keep my thought s between me and my millions of followers on twitter.
It is gonna be awkward in the hall today when Jared runs into Sean and asks him what the holocaust Center is.
Spicer can't concentrate long enough to intelligently discuss the holocaust. He needs to improve his concentration. Do they have camps for that?
If the plan was to hire a press secretary so incompetent that it distracts people from the Administration's incompetence, then today was a very successful press conference indeed.
Funny how effective Chicago police are if you havent commited any crimes.
Sit back, relax and enjoy the fight... -United pilot welcoming passenger
"Jesus Loves You" is a great thing to hear in Church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Where is the best place to work if you have one Leg?
IHOP
Typical Hillary/Obama supporters in san bernardino today. They all are very fragile these days. 