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Just found a $5 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering. 
I wonder if there's a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
A home DNA test kit does not make a good baby shower gift.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
Can we have a NO Kathy Griffin button?
Pulling out of Paris should be a porn, not a reality
If the start of a Basketball game is called a Tip-off, why isn’t the start of a Hockey game called a Puck-off?
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
I want you all to know, I read your post while pooping
Im offended by sexual terms. I think I'll post pictures on the internet of myself depicting a terr0rist group.
Kathy Griffins next show will be "What ever happened to..."
Charlie Sheen has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.
Charlie Sheern has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.
Maybe Farmers Insurance will do a commercial with Tiger driving now!
I really hope, for humanity sake, that you people were all up in arms and angry when the picture of Obama and the noose surfaced.
"Covfefe" definition:
(Noun)
A fidget spinner for the National media.
Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so.
There's a reason it's called "Girls Gone Wild" and not "Women Gone Wild". When girls go wild, they show their boobs because they want money. When women go wild, they kill men for insurance policies. 