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Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends. 
it's no coincidence that "twitter" has a bird logo and somehow every pigeon in my neighborhood knows when I just finished washing my car.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Most wives don't mind if their husband bring some work home to do. But my sister does, her husband is a mortician.
..School has started. I got my life back. What evey mother is thinking.
I saw a piece of trash blowing in the wind It made me think of you
"Ask her out, Bro." "I can't." "Why not?" "I don't have the guts." -conversation between two skeltons.
I sure wish Texas had that $150billion that Obama gave to Iran.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
You can't spell amusement without semen!
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat? Good times.
If I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender can I tell everyone that "Yeah, I Juice."
EMINEM: My symptoms: palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, and I threw up Mom's spaghetti WEB MD: you have cancer
People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Where do you place the cornerstone in a roundhouse
Most wives don't mind if their husband brings some work home with them to do. But my sister sure does. Her husband is a mortician.
I don't think the American people will ever unite and get along.
Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many
College wall posts, Welcome back students. Sex is not allowed in the dorm rooms. The students are like, " Yeah Right " 