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I decided to start calling my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do every morning is go to the Jim. 
Truth is truth. It does not need to be "balanced" and it isn't caused by voting, consensus, polls or by yelling louder or silencing someone.
The last time Houston was under this much water her first name was Whitney.
Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.
We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.
Do jews celebrate labor day or do they gotta be different like usual
Ray = Zubin Dalal
One thing's for sure. The residence in Texas now believes in global warming.
in 1964 the wage was 5 silver quarters. Today 5 silver quarters are worth $15.50. We dont need to raise the wage, but to fix our money.
Socialism works so well, people build boats from trash to escape it.
Seattle raised the min wage to 15 a hour. Report out this week for the 1st period. Min wage workers now work 12 hours less and make 1500 less a month.
What does water have against Houston? First it was Whitney now this..!!
Beyonce is sending prayers to her hometown of Houston... I bet if Harvey was a BLM protester tearing things up she'd be sending bail money.
I believe that children are our future... ...it's why I got the vasectomy.
Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
I saw a chameleon today, but if I was able to see it I guess it wasn't a very good chameleon.
I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.
.....And then it occurred to me, maybe I'M the one with the weird looking nipples.
A vulture with two dead raccoons tried to board a plane. The flight attendant said "Sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed." 