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Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week. 
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
In the New Year, I resolve to be more resolute in making revolutionary resolutions.
You say Imagine Dragons, I say any other group than that
Tomorrow is New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don't drink and drive and become the nut
Caitlyn Jenner claims Bruce fondled her for over 50 years.
Was at a restaurant earlier and when I asked for the check the waitress said "Do you wanna box for your food?" and stunned as I was all I could say was "No ma'am, I'm against violence. Can I just pay with my card?" What is this world coming to?!
Be right back, I'm gonna go pet that dog. Me, drunk, about to get butted by a goat. 🐐
I'm going back home to ponder why climate change isn't real because it's cold outside.
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.
I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.
"You the bomb" "No, you the bomb" - A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east.
My cooking is so good even my smoke alarm comments on it.
What goes up must come down. Except maybe for crawling underwear.
There are no Walmart stores in Syria, only Targets.
How many tweets does it take to get to the center of attention?
Teenagers hanging out sober act like adults drunk.
How did cavemen meet women? They went clubbing.
Women are like roads. The more curves they have the more dangerous they are. 