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I just invented a new word: Plagiarism. 
Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!
In honor of the super bowl, whenever I go to poop today, i'll refer to it as "taking the browns to the super bowl"
I'm not saying all Uber drivers are bad drivers, but 100% of Uber drivers are bad drivers
I'm a lover of nature. Where do I go to see this superb owl I keep reading about?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups.
Some days I feel like I own waterfront property on $h!t Creek.
I ordered and ate a bowl of soup at Red Bowl last night.......it made Miso sick.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom? ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Notice the subliminal message in the Wendy's commercial her necklace reads mom.
12 days to Valentine...
...wives have become more polite than customer care..
So like, this rancher thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 98. So he rounded them up.
Who is Valentines? And why is my Wife talking about her a lot lately?
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't
I only have 2 regrets in life. Some girls I wished I slept with and some girls I wish I hadn't!
Happy Groundhog Day to any hole-dwelling rodents who happen to be reading this.
Once my boss told me to dress for the job that I wanted, not for the job that I had. And I felt real stupid in the next sales meeting dressed like Batman.
Which tastes better, Coke or Pepsi? Neither. The answer is Beer.
My favorite word is "apparently" because it makes any statement sound sarcastic. "He's intelligent. Apparently."
Why is it that only when you fart silently is when somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or rather sits behind you? 