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The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line 
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room
Women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history
Did you know oranges can be male or female? If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male and if it's bitter for no reason it's a female.
I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.
If David Letterman moves to Canada, does he have to change his last name?
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don't know how to remind myself to buy more.
had a mix up at the store today when the cashier asked me to strip down facing her she apparently was talking about my debit card..
Eagles deflated tom brady
idk why the amazon CEO doesn't cal l himself the "Amazon Prime Minister"
Kylie Jenner named her baby Stormy... So let me get this straight.... The Kardashians now have a Stormy, North, Chicago with a Saint?!
Rumor has it there's a Tesla floating out in space somewhere. Finders keepers!!!
Apparently during one of the celebrations/riots in Philadelphia someone was arrested for punching a police horse. The man spent the night in jail while the horse was listed a being in “stable “ condition.
Facebook is taking up too much of my time, I'm taking a break. I'll be back after I go get my coffee
Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak"
Nothing like watching the FB movies and seeing the highlights of" most liked posts" of your fiance' with other girlfriends
I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Wife ask where I'd like to be buried. Ball deep in your sister wasn't the answer she was expecting.
I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room. 