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After trying it doggie style I can't face my wife again. 
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras
My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic's, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
If you drink too much at a bar, don't waste money on a cab. Instead, walk to the nearest Domino's and order a pizza to deliver to your house. Then ask the delivery guy if you can ride along with him.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it's not a problem if you're good at it.
I just tried to pull my sleeve up and accidentally punched myself.its ok though,I've had it coming for some time now.
A great man once said, "If you divide the people because you want their votes, you will never be able to unite them if you win the election".
I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
They call it a "selfie" because a "narcissitie" is too hard to pronounce
Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes
I love Facebook like Angelina Jolie loves to fill out adoption papers
I am going to call KFC to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the staff answering the phone
For every women that has rejected me . I'm going to give them chocolate covered Tide pods for Valentine's day
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
My calculator is missing the minus button, but on the plus side it still works.
I just saw what came out of me, so I highly doubt I am beautiful on the inside.
Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all
Man to a super cute air hostess : Whats your name? Air Hostess: Eva Benz Man: Lovely name, any relationship with Mercedes Benz? Air Hostess: Our Maintenance cost is the same 