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Nice try "St. Patrick," but I was going to drink anyway. Now...LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMBLLLLE! 
“In America, anyone can become president” used to feel like more of a promise and less of a threat.
Plan to change the air in your tires soon. Replace that winter air in your tires for best inflation during summer months. Most mechanics will do this for you for free on April 1st.
Mexican word of the day is Chicken Finger: Jose left his wife and said "Chicken finger herself for now on!!
I just busted three plastic spoons trying to eat an avocado that has a sticker that says "ripe and ready to eat."
I can't wait to see who gets fired next week on Celebrity Appresident.
If I sucked at my job I would want to spend time away from it too and play golf.
I STILL remember grandpa's last words to me. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he said, "What's this warning label say?"
All I'm saying is grape juice is just underachieving wine.
[ordering from the dollar menu] me: hi i'll have 7 dollars please
So many accidents with Hillary. I'm not even sure she still alive, maybe they're just dragging her body like in Weekend at Bernie's
My wife passed some gas. I told her it was rank. She said to treat it like aroma therapy.
Bose is a Bengali Stereo type.
A man who is not married tends to go through life enjoying his life.
I know I'am a man and not a mouse. If I were a mouse my wife would be afraid of me.
I've been married for 14 years. The bad part, I don't recall ever breaking two mirriors.
Overheard the boss telling the new guy, "I don't care if you ARE Winnie the Pooh. You still have to wear pants to work!"
somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for booze
I put the Nicoderm patch on my exhaust pipe & it still smokes. I don't think those work as good as they claim
Over the top, over the top, over the top. Stop with the Jan Brady already . 