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I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop. 
Don't take it personal. I gave up on people in general years ago.
Kid, “Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?” Husband, “No it was just your mother coming down the stairs.” And that, folks, is how to end a marriage in 10 words or less.
Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.
Fun Fact: The Simpsons are 31 years old. They made their first debut 4/19/87 on the Tracey Ullman show.
I almost took a girl out once. BOY . . . did I dodge a bullet.
Her dad never liked me, and fortunately, his aim was off!
When they make Molasses, what do they do with the rest of the Mole ?
Never hire an elecetrician with fuzzy hair
I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.
Texas please vote for Ted Cruz. Because if you don't, he could end up on the View.
I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it.
The bravest man in the world is the prince from Sleeping Beauty because waking up a tired woman can go sideways very fast.
A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.
If there is a Little Debbie then that means somewhere out there is Large Deborah and don't dare touch her cakes
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Apple were considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well
Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look
Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself
Witchcraft is when your boyfriend uses different condom flavour's on every round 🍎🍆🍇🍓🍒🍐🍉🍍 you go home smelling like fruit salad.
I baked you some cookies They’re in the garbage 