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I'm a nice sociopath. You can trust me. 
She's complicated? No kidding! So is my can opener.
Sorry I used your hummus dip to exfoliate my feet.
Tall people know what's up.
If your lawyer’s office is in an old Pizza Hut, you’re going to jail.
Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."
I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.
Male pattern baldness is God’s way of saying grown men shouldn’t have bangs.
America already had a circus for 8 years when we had dumbo I mean Obama as president
Tom Brady is the one who threatened Stormy Daniels. I knew he was a douche! Now we have proof.
I grew up in a neighborhood so poor, we all shared the same timepiece . . . or as we liked to call it, the 'neighborhood watch'!
Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.
Spring is acting like my drug dealer!! "Where you at man?" "I am about to pull up" 1 hour later "Where you at man?" "I am right around the corner"
America: Elect a clown, expect a circus.
I am so dumb, I put lipstick on my forehead to make up my mind.
a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
Stormy Daniels is shooting a new movie, titled "Stormy Does The Republicans".
The bright side of a zombie apocalypse is you no longer have to keep up with the Kardashians.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
I got kicked out of the threesome for singing “You’ve Got a Friend In Me.” 