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When America was great, we were enemies with Russia. Just saying. 
I ran a half marathon once. (Actually that's just what I tell people. It sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died half-way through a Full Marathon.)
Alcohol...because people annoy me but I'm also lonely
If you want me to leave my house I need three days notice.
"Honk if anyone gets out of my trunk"
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
I know I'm ugly and I got no right to ask but please..... Send nudes
It’s funny to me when a cop says “you know why I pulled you over?” As if I’m gonna snitch myself out, or possibly get it wrong and end up with two charges
You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.
Does it look like I know what a polygon is?
When I was a kid I thought earwigs were bugs that came out of your ears. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard about co*kroaches
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
How much extra is it for the stripper to touch your heart?
Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism among any animal.
I talk a lot of crap for someone who still says "righty tighty lefty loosy" before turning anything
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
No woman will ever get caught cheating unless she wants you to know! Basic law of life.
It's steak, not stake dumb ass.
If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right now.
Well, looking like Bill Cosby's gonna get to meet Fat Albert, for realz. 