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Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table. 
Remember getting your first athletic protective cup as a kid and you and your fellow players would test them by kicking each other in the junk? Or was that just me and my weird friends?
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
Butt stuff? God no. I'm a proper lady, and only use my butt hole for smuggling drugs.
Why is the devil 😈 tryin to be my bff?…
Admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me
We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.
I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.
Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.
I’ll always be the one who got away.
I believe the only way to save Hawaii is to sacrifice a Michigan and Alabama fan to the angry Volcano.
What is a person who goes off their diet called? A deserter 