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Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free 
I feel terrible, or, as I like to call it, "being alive."
I think Stephen Hawking would be alive today if his family had called an ambulance and not taken him to PC World?
The one good thing about an egotist. They don't talk about other people.
Did you know you don't need a parachute to skydive? You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice...
The only people that should be in cages are strippers.
"Womp womp." -Judge sentencing Corey Lewandowski to prison
'Womp womp' will be the sound Corey Lewandowski's butt will be making in prison after the Mueller investigation wraps up.
Tender Age Shelter sounds like something spray painted onto a van parked outside of a grade school while the owner offers kids free candy.
If Rudy Giuliani gets a divorce in New York, are he and his wife still cousins?
I've been hard at work all day today. I accidentally took a viagra pill in stead of my vitamin this morning.
Half my Facebook friends have just become immigration lawyers within the past week!
Korean scientists have announced that have successfully cloned two Macaques! It's impossible to tell them apart..said one of the monkeys!!
So whats are you all doing tonight? - Using social networking for what its intended for.
I never go to bed with ugly women. But somehow I wake up with them.
One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!
There is a thin line between hating a person’s behavior with hating the actual person.
Of course I have countless friends. They’re called songs on my playlist. .
Nothing good ever starts with ‘Got a minute?’.
I take my irresponsibilities seriously. 