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Planning a trip to Australia..I was asked if I had a criminal record?..I didn't know you still needed one? 
What? WikiLeaks is endangering lives and is unamerican? Wow, you don't say? Gee, what a surprise.....
New MAGA Campaign Slogan for Pride Month: Make America Gorgeous Again.
if the "space force" ever drops a dirty bomb on Uranus, they better call it "operation taco bell"
Like the 20th century used sex to sell things, the 21st century uses rage. Wonder what it will be for 22nd?
The inventor of the helicopter ejection seat has died from severe headache.
The apocalypse doesn't care what your credit score is.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum? me: I lost the cap
I stopped watching Vikings when Ragnar Lothbrok died.
Sad news out of Ohio. The inventor or the helicopter ejection seat died from severe head trauma.
Oh btw, if the Dems really cared about keeping families together, they would DROP their support for Planned Parenthood!
Why is being heartless and full of hate the cool thing to do in this era?
Nobody blamed the lightsaber....then again, they didn't let every stupid moron have one.
I'm searching the back of this fridge for a beer like a Democrat searching for someone to hold up as a victim
I can’t decide if I should get married again or try to get a blow job from a great white shark.
It's remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
When I'm struggling to pull on a turtleneck I start to worry what the world will be like when I get to the other side.
I can find your bathroom on my own but I'll ask you for directions anyway so you think I think you live in a mansion. I'm a giver.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word. 