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"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember ... *thinking ?!? " Not Twain. 
If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.
"Good people don't go into goverment." D.J.T.
You know that your wife's cooking is bad when dessert is Tum's chewables.
It's not the constant thought or fear of death that keeps me awake at night. It's usually grandma's Jalapeno flavored meatloaf!
If meterorologist are people who studies the weather. Are people who study meteors weatherologist?
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We'll both regret it soon enough.
Her: How deep is your love? Me: 8 inches. 3 if you actually have a ruler with you.
Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, Guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID."
Where do I sign up for the Space Force? I've heard "not if you were the last guy on Earth" so space is still hopeful
I'm not immauture....... I just know how to have fun.
I find you're total lack of ambition is inspiring.
Take the hint people...... Earbuds are a do not disturb sign.
A man injured his hand at work. The doctor said sorry but we need to amputate one of your fingers. Man ask the hole finger? Doctor said no, the one next to it.
when 1 of my lenses fall out, I like to think of the glasses as half full
Does anyone know if there is an age limit to join the U.S Space Force? I think I would look good with a helmet on!
If it wasn't intended for you to have a midnight snack. There would not be a light in the fridge.
A weasel walks in a bar. Bartender says what ya have? Pop goes the weasel.
I'm so old I can remember when ripped jeans meant you'd been attacked by a bear. Those were the days.
Imagine playing dead & you hear “shoot everybody again” 