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If you try to heat a tortilla on the stove and let pieces get stuck on the coils your parents failed you 
Please don't give me any of your attitude. I already have plenty of my own.
Just once, I'd like to see a judge
take the verdict slip from the jury,
look at it, and then turn and say,
"ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"
I'm that type of a guy who puts a song on repeat until the artist begs for water
. A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.
When the police shut down the town brothel. There was a sign that read, beat it, this brothel is closed.
Welcome to your 40's. You now yawn so hard, you shake.
Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright untill you hear them speak.
Yes I'll be leaving the jean jacket on during foreplay.
So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”
my girlfriend thinks I am in capable of being faithful my wife on the other hand.
They say to write what you know. Chapter One: Farts
If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.
I wish I was confident enough to wear a pink, all velvet track suit with a fanny pack.
high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board
When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.
I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad 