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KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family? 
I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it's hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.
If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!
Drink beer while you can still afford it.
Q: What do "Deadliest Catch" and "Jersey Shore" have in common? A: They're two reality TV shows about catching crabs.
instead of talking about who people whould vote for, maybe gef off social media and actually go put and vote if you want change
Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...
The circumference of a pumpkin divided by it's diameter = pumpkin pi...
First rule of Fight Club:
Never hold it at a Saudi Arabian Embassy!
There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.
The key to success is concentration, a skill which can be learned with - oh wow, that cloud looks like Snoopy!
I just bought a new Jeep. I named it Elizabeth Warren because it's all white yet says it's a Cherokee.
Bet if the block voters wore MAGA hats, they would not of had a problem registering to vote.
The guy in charge of running the election (kemp) in Georgia is also running in the Georgia election. Mmmm I wonder who will win ?
Come on people, does your vote really count? Or is it just a big con?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I like when people call me "Sir." I just wish they wouldn't follow it up with "You're making a scene."
I often get a "yes" from women, but it's usually followed by,
"that's him officer"
Rihanna turned down an opportunity to headline the halftime show at #SuperBowlLIII how ever they can still broadcast it on her forehead 