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All this beer drinking I do gives me a hangover. It's really noticeable when I stand sideways. 
There’s good sex, then there’s no-hole-left-untouched sex.
Don't worry. My bedroom cameras are for research purposes only.
People should be tested for emissions. They’re exhausting.
[watching porn] me: she didn't wash her hands, that's how you get the flu.
I'd love to hang out with you, but this nap isn't going to take itself.
Interviewer: This says you tend to jump to conclusions Me: So I'm hired?
This girl at the bar is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's passing out.
Thinking about opening a hamburger joint out in Utah I'll call it "Five Wives"
I ended things because of how bad she was in bed, the sex was great but her napping skills were terrible.
I miss having a grown up for a president.
Baby Lives Matter!
Met a lady yesterday...It was love at first sight...Then I took a second look !!
I ran into my ex the other day...hit reverse...and ran into her again.
People on the Left are like an old TV Set. They have to be slapped occasionally to get the picture.
The Early Bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you are paying $3.00 for Smart Water, it isn't working.
That moment, when your jerk boss says they are resigning. !!!!!!!!!!!!!
People say “the early bird gets the worm.” But everyone freaks out when I drink tequila at 8am
I smile at dogs more than I smile at people. 