Funny Status Messages

   I bet aliens ride past earth and lock their doors.

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be in my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....

   I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

   I went to the doctor thinking I might have arthritis, I don't. Turns out I have early onset rigor mortis.

   Kamala Harris quote: "Who doesn't love a yellow school bus? Can you raise your hand if you love a yellow school bus? Many of us went to school on a yellow school bus, right? I remember them now, all yellow and everything."

   I don’t have a status today, I have a concept of a status though

   I swear all I do is work, come home, blink, and then I'm back at work again.

   Nothing says "this wont last"...quite like an engagement ring from Wal-Mart !

   Found out today that my ex needs a liver transplant,I'm not worried though ,she hasn't rejected an organ in 40 years

   It's amazing how Facebook can spot a fake post but can't spot a fake profile.

   People who worry about what kind of planet we're leaving for our kids might want to consider what kind of kids we're leaving for our planet.

   Where there is smoke..,,, there are Hezbollah operatives. BOOM! #Skyline of Beirut

   Ew a lair

   Stop trying to please people who don't like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they've ever met.

   Diddy didnt kill himself..... Oh wait...thats next weeks headline....

   I didn't even know what to buy people for Christmas until I heard about these exploding pagers and walki-talkies.

   If the glove doesn't fit, you must use lubricant. -Diddy...,,, probably

   The economy is so bad right now, I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

   Post the four words every girl wants whispered in her ear.

   I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I remember when this was all farmland.