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wishing my mouth had a backspace key. 
tried snorting coke today, but the ice cubes got stuck in his/her nose!
loving and hating facebook -On the downside, it's loaded with sexual predators. On the plus side, it's also loaded with sexual prey.
asking those who believe in psychokinesis to raise his hand.
was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when he realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and he thought, ‘That is cool.' But then he saw another guy wearing a leather vest and he thought, ‘That is not cool'. Then he figured it out: ‘Cool' is all about leather sleeves.
feels stupid when he writes the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? ‘Cause I'm like ‘Bana … keep going.... Bananana … damn.
im so tired and sleepy that I might just sleep off on my keyboarrrdddddddgjcklyfjhjk dk;hdktyggy;f
sum girls r made of suga and spice...my girls r made of vodka and ice!!
save water...drink beer
I applied for a job at a mental hospital today. They said I need 24 hours experience with a retard so umm.... do you wanna hang out?
that babies are a form of STD's
sexually asulting your grandma
this status can only be read by someone SEXY:....try again.....again....maybe you are just not sexy?....one more time.....hey don't force it ugly!!!
- Every time I come in the kitchen, you in the kitchen. In the goddamn refrigerator. Eatin' up all the food. All the chitlins... All the pig's feet... All the collard greens... All the hog maws. I wanna eat them chitlins... I like pigs feet.
wishes grass was emo so it would cut itself.
no expectations = no dissapointments
informs you that contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name
Happy Star Wars day! (May the 4th be with you)
likes writing in the third person form 