Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   like Houdini . . . uses a lot of trap doors in his acts, but I think i'm just going through a stage.

   stuck in the moment - well it is actually more like wedged. I think I may need an advanced escape maneuver. So glad I have that Special Forces training to fall back on in these situations.....

   going to use this status as a letter to guys. If you use a picture of yourself without a shirt, "flexing" as your profile pic....You're officially a jackass.

   I want a new Drug. One that won't hurt my head. One that won't make my mouth too dry. Or make my eyes too red

   News update! "Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery!"

   sooooo skint she is off to KFC to lick everyone else's fingers....again. ♥

   Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there. I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got KitKats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it

   a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect

   kissed a girl, and he liked it...and blames Katy Perry for his imprisonment. She didn't say anything about asking permission.

   contributing to global warming by breathing as he rides his bike to school...some conservationist!

   never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

   calculating pi but can't seem to make it past sugar cream

   wonders how skinny he would be if he had to pedal to keep the computer on.

   thinks that friends help you move but real friends help you move bodies.

   running with scissors and playing with matches...

   increasing his carbon footprint so that it is visible from space.

   M.I.L.F. Man, I Love Funyuns!

   Sometimes I go down to the Home Depot and pick up day laborers in my truck just to have people to drink with. Hop in, amigos. It's Miller time.

   If I found out I was going to be burned at the stake, I think I'd fill all my pockets with popcorn kernels

   Viagra has instructions, keep away from children - what kind of man do you think I am?