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I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers” 
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir me: again? I did that three times at home
Planting some shrubs today and they're all leaning to one side, either I was drunk when I planted them or I planted them too close to the weed.
I got one of those "No Bullying" bracelets. But I didn't pay for it, I took it away from a guy who is smaller and skinnier than I am and then I threw him into a dumpster.
That horseshoe has NO LUCK!
Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken.
Best moment to sleep: 10% - in the evening. 90% - in the morning.
These days it is getting hard to tell if it's flirting or trolling.
Life is like Snapchat. You can call many people your friends, but it doesn't mean, they call you their friends.
That strange moment when you're telling a story, and people think it's a joke.
Sometimes waiting for the weekend is better than the weekend itself.
Somebody needs to starts a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
I’ll rise, but I won’t shine.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here. Me: Thank you. Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I’m sorry, but some of my classmates look like they went to school with my mom.
not telling you
The Fat Acceptance Movement is the only movement without movement. 