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me: *having prostate examination* doc: omg, when was this last wiped? me: WHAT doc: *pointing to dust on table* I must speak to the cleaning lady 
Me: *trying to hock a loogie* Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it's the foot in your nose at 00:39
I love my new phone that beeps and lights up every couple minutes to let me know it's battery needs charged before It uses up the last of its power to vibrate in a finely death quiver.
Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.
Im sorry ladies, but life is not a fairy tale, and If you lose your shoe after midnight it means, well, you’re drunk.
Dorian just made landfall in Alabama and somehow made things better.
US Open Woman's Tennis trophy. Made in the USA, now Canadian owned!
Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
And the Terrible joke award goes to: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Single white sock seeks same.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up and go to work."
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra' and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that my wife does.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks. 