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If a tree falls on your Ex in a forest and there is no one there to hear it you should still get rid of the chainsaw just in case. 
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don't know you.
When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs I bought one And I have never seen him since.
I lost a pound so I’m rewarding myself with 8 pounds of Chinese food.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here? me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away. Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, I also had a brutal leg day, I woke up again with legs
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport. They have a budget of $430,000...
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he's been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My phone autocorrected "gym" to "fun" so I threw it in the trash bc it's obviously broken.
Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband's mouth while he sleeps bc -Let's get this over with -He can eat mine -I really miss Fear Factor
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce, he's a rocket man. 