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Math professor: today we're doing geometry Me: *falls asleep* [20 years later] Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt Me: a what now 
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls Date: Sounds good! Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
To the NBA post: what are you, stupid? NBA players criticized those communist countries all the time. What the hell is wrong with you?
Funny how the NBA players and coaches are quick to criticize the Prez but won't say anything negative about a Communist country that imprisons those who speak out...
Every time you yawn in October a ghost put his package in your mouth...
Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles.
"I don't know what else to say..." Me, giving my husband false hope
I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.
If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say - stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon...
I'm pretty sure Jesus never taught people to only look after themselves and to ignore the poor and hungry.
Just so you know, only looking out for yourself and abandoning everyone else isn't very Christian like. You know that's true.
I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.
If aliens ever flew overhead and observed me walking my dog leading me around with a leash picking up his poop behind him I wonder if they would confused who's in charge of this world?
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels. 