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wife: I wish you were more romantic me *starts biting the chicken nugget I'm eating into the shape of a heart* 
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don't care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour's BBQ.
Please respect my toddler’s need for comfort during this difficult time. Her bath is too wet.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean] Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Best Movie Line Ever: "Step forward, Tin Man! You dare come before me, you clanking, clattering, cantankerous collection of collagenous crap?!!"
And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.
Some good tax news for you Michigan trolls. The IRS announced today that you can write off your Michigan Wolverine football season tickets as a total loss.
What's up with that song "Up on the housetop, reindeer paws"? Somebody wasn't paying attention in biology class...
Alexa chk my bank balance n tell wich Apple product I can afford..Alexa:Apple juice
Don't judge me on the choices I have made when you don't know the options I had to choose from.
If Meth could stand up straight, put on dirty clothes, take drugs, date its cousin and sing crappy music, it would look like Kid Rock.
idk who "go round" is but all the kids on the playground want to marry her
Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
Tip:No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
The doctors office plays HGTV so I can feel bad about my body and my house
A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.
My worst fear of getting old is chewing for no reason.😖 