Funny Status Messages

   best job in the world .... a pillow ,get to lay in bed all day and get head every night

   Im hiring a midget for a party. Any idea what they eat?

   Only in America would they name a State after a bucket of fried chicken.

   knows you partied too hard the night before when you're eating cereal naked the next day and your girlfriend says: "Put your clothes on". Just then you realize that was not your girlfriend - it's some woman walking her dog.

   thinks the only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo, is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

   finds himself dating high maintenance women. I'm not sure why - I think because I hate money. Its as though I check out my checking account, and I say: Oh, that's just too much. I need to make an investment that's going nowhere, fast!

   wondering when SkyNet is finally going online? I've been preparing for that moment since 1985.

   : Microwave broke - time to break out the Easy Bake Oven.

   ‎[citation needed]

   great advice for those seeking to get out of a terrible relationship and tried almost everything: start peeing the bed. But make sure its theirs.

   told its Erection Day today. I'm wasn't sure if I ever celebrated that holiday in the past, but a waiter at Hong Kong Buffet insisted it was and I better get out and vote.

   Every year Santa runs over Grandma with his Reindeer. I wonder if I give him extra cookies if he would aim for my ex wife this year instead?

   Whats the purpose of a camouflage Snuggie? Do you plan on eating popcorn while watching TV in the deep woods anytime soon?

   My wife doesn't have a mean bone in her body. More like dorman with rage bones that surface late at night when I come home drunk and try to get her to have sex with me.

   I prefer the button fly. That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth.

   ~*~What? You didn't understand that? Here, let me break out the crayons and hand puppets and see if we can dumb this down enough for you...

   It's illegal to text and drive, but it's not against the law to work on ur laptop whilest driving. Thanks policeman for making that clear.

   The day I confuse the Google search box with my Facebook status update box will be a tragic, life changing and possibly fatal one.

   if you want it sugar coated, go to Dunkin Donuts.

   Since you clearly don't know the difference between Prince Charming and The Big Bad Wolf, I'm soo revoking your Disney Princess Fan Club Membership.