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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you're walking 
Dear Science, You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama. That is all. Send.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
WARDEN: Any final words before you're hung? ME: How many of these have you done? It's hanged, you idiot. WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Scar didn't murder Mufasa. It's a cat's natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.
*me traveling back in time* *follows Albert Einstein* *waits for him to trip* *yells "Way to go, Einstein!"* *returns satisfied to present-time*
With a self driving truck on the way, eventually there will a Country and Western song about it leaving you too.
Come join the world wide movement called "I pledge to bend over and pick up a random piece of garbage on the street or wherever I see it" movement. Like and share if you like to join!
Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis, You know who you are, I think?
Do you have trouble making decisions? Well, yes and no.
I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified... What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?
No you can't throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that's literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
: Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
-first day at NASA- colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I once had a dog who was the best watchdog ever. Well, he WOULDA been if a vacuum cleaner broke into the house.
You know you're fat when you only need a cup of water in the tub when taking a bath.
Just about all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as head of household. 