Funny Status Messages

   new twinkie diet???? I been on that one since I was 5 yrs old!

   Every morning after my coffee I use the skills I learned while taking Lamaze classes: Breathing techniques, and timing the contractions.  

   wondering if you have multiple personalities and threaten to kill yourself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   After watching the iRenew infomercial about 800 times, I finally bought it because it helps promote “Balance.” Well guess what? It didn't help with last night's sobriety test!

   happy P.O.E.T.S. Day, everyone! Piss On Everything Tommrows Saturday.

   Miami Heat Fan: "You wait, you watch and see next season we're gonna do this we're gonna do that" ...... Still Waiting lmao! Clevelands just as good without Lebron

   Anyone can have knowledge, however it is only through age that you develop wisdom.

   Mom always said "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours.." THANK YOU FRIDAY!!, I Love You, too!!!! I've always loved you. You and I are belong together! This is wonderful! We shall celebrate your return!!

   Had sardines and cabbage last night... my gas was so bad my boys literally passed out and encountered minor memory loss and a slight bit of hallucination...But all is good cuz my momma always taught me to share

   thinks it's funny that the Carnival cruise ship passengers were complaining about having no showers and eating nothing but Spam and Pop-Tarts. Right now thousands of male computer science majors are trying to find out how to sign up for the next cruise.

   can't get with this day light savings, I'm moving to Hawaii.

   im not procrastinating, I just dont want to fing do it!!!

   wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

   Global warming is like Goldilocks and the weather is like porridge.

   been bitten by a spider... and now waiting to become Spider Man...! :-)

   The only thing scarier than Christine O'Donell is the thought her being in office and in charge of the nuclear codes.

   “I was at Arby's the other day and I thought, ‘Oh sh*t, I should take someone's order.”

   off to kill plants and zombies.

   I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.