Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two. My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken. 
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse's station* Nurse: We only need one. *puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn't know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is "reserved cowgirl."
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough ... now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I'm just saying if she's into metric then I'd love to meter
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
"The Bachelor" should be renamed with a more accurate title: "Desperate, Dysfunctional Closet Cases Fighting Over A Player."
How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data
If you don’t get hired for an unpaid internship it literally makes no difference. Just show up and start working. What are they gonna do, pay you?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Welcome to Facebook - A friendly happy place where you can be pretend sociel while being antisocial.
People who pretend they don't know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Since I'm getting older I've been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or chain smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100? 