Funny Status Messages

   seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

   the awkward moment when you get in the van and the old man doesnt have any candy.....

   I just gave my cat a bath, she actually enjoyed it. it wasn't fun for me though, the fur kept sticking to my tongue

   A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

   Most fairy tales start with,"Once upon a time",my story starts with,"you ain't gonna believe this crap!"

   My mom and I were playing "Call of Duty" the other day.... I was calling her to check if she was doing the cleaning, cooking, and ironing

   today is National Kindness Day so say something nice y' JACKWAD!

   Just my luck...I got bit by a retroactive spider instead of a radioactive one! Now I'm making tie dye webs in shapes of pot leaves.

   "Release the hounds" sounds so much more badass than "let the dogs out".

   Watching Phoebe Cates exiting the pool for the 1,000,000,000 time!!!

   Why do people thinks that pressin the elevator button manny times It will come down faster!

   Its annoying when I get a notification then see its about a post that I commented on like a week ago. Its lost its luster by then. There should be a statute of limitations on such things.

   I bet those adults that remind others of how many shopping days were the kids that reminded the teacher to give homework at the end of class.

   Why are you informing me how many shopping days left until Christmas? I'm not getting anything for you anyway!

   if you are posting how many days there are until Christmas in November, you should have to do all the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.

   Stay classy Facebook.

   The old saying "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"....is it? Or maybe you just need to get up off UR lazy ass and mow the lawn, water it, pull some weeds, fertilize it, take care of your own grass and stop looking over the fence

   awesome at being humble!

   My internet goes down more than my girlfriend.......How sad!!

   Just found out that my google setting was set to family friendly and turned it off, it's a hole new world>:)