Funny Status Messages

   come to the conclusion, that boxer briefs are like a bra for my balls

   I was excited to bring home my Xmas Tree but I didn't have the heart to tell it I'd be leaving it in the street for dead in just a few weeks.

   Snookie's gonna drop in the ball on New Years? Really? That's a family thing not a stripper pole!!!

   F*ck your Four Loko. I swallowed my Day-Quil with 5 Hour energy & a latte & now my pet unicorn Steve & I are off to bake cheesecakes.

   My girlfriend made me promise that when I fly home this Christmas it was her that I fantasized about during my "TSA pat down"

   Started watching a documentary about Fort Knox but I found it really hard to get into.

   How do 3 gay guys sit on 1 bar stool? ..... They flip it upside down

   has been told by his girlfriend that he keeps having mood swings, so in an attempt to monitor my moods she got me one of those mood rings. When I'm in a good mood it goes green but when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on her f*%king forehead.

   You know shes a stalker . . . . or a serial killer, if you wake up at 3 'o clock in the morning and shes staring at you. . . in the dark. . . . .and says. . . "You know that I love you right?"

   I have 2 tons of that white global warming arctic packing material in my driveway right now going by the undercover name of "snow".

   wonder I dyslexics if can read this.

   Lord, please place one hand over my shoulder and the other over my mouth when I'm drunk...thank you...

   watching It's Complicated and thinking it's really not that complicated. Meryl Streep is sleeping with her married ex- husband Alec Baldwin and at the same time her Architect Steve Martin.I think I got it figured out..

   I'm looking foreword to being the drunken version of wikiLeaks at our office holiday party this year!

   increasingly tempted to use the 'Like' button as a subversive, vaguely passive-aggressive weapon. For instance, some shithead I recently deleted who I was never too keen on, announced that his car had been stolen...It seeemed an ideal moment to click like

   127.0.0.1 I wish I was with you right now and not at work. I would love to crawl in your nice warm bed and snuggle under the covers.

   I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say " He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."

   There is no such thing as being underdressed when you're going to Wal-Mart.

   You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!

   In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim. ........... You'd think they would be trying to stop it.