Funny Status Messages

   Lovin my early Christmas present of a Massage Chair! Work never felt so good!.. Now if someone would just invent a vibrating tampon I could start lovin my periods too

   I love reading ppls status "off to the gym" when you know damn well they are only going to use the massage chair

   Dude instead of all these credit card companies sending me all these applications they should donate the paper to schools or something!

   Could you undress closer to the blinking red light?

   There is no I in team, but there are four in platitude-quoting idiot

   hosting a Mayan calendar party on Dec 22, 2012. Disregard this announcement if the world ends on Dec 21, 2012. Also, if the earth's magnetic field does not reverse by then, I'm planning to sponsor a pole flipping contest.

   Chaos: What erupts when he-who-lives-in-a-glass-house invites he-who-is-without-sin for dinner.

   if only super glue worked on ANYTHING as well as gluing it's own cap on........

   never forget the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

   take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

   an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

   making a list and checking it twice......Its a hit list and you do not want to be on it!

   hasn't bought a single Christmas gift yet.

   You know its a bad economy when you are getting less bang for your buck with a hooker...

   My friends keep saying that they wish there was a "dislike" button on Facebook. Personally, I would have a lot more fun with a "That's what she said" button

   All my friends keep saying they want a "dislike" button on Facebook. Personally, I think it would be a lot more fun with a "that's what she said" button

   Thank you Facebook for your new dumb layout & for me having to click my status update 52 times for it to take....

   making my list and checking it twice due to early on-set senility!

   doesn't think you should ever compliment a lady on her mustache... no matter how magnificent it is.

   "Hello Wednesday morning....for a moment, I thought you were your friend, Friday! Forgive the disappointed look!"