Funny Status Messages

   tree up☑ cookies for Santa☑ Surface to Air Missile Systems all set up on my roof and ready☑>:) I wonder what Venison taste like?

   everyone getting excited? Only 337 days until Thanksgiving.

   Ever notice that one buddy that always seems to tell others to "take one for the team" has in fact never taken one for the team?

   I'd think getting a parking spot at the Special Olympics would be tough unless you got there really early

   Hmm, I knew I should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque....

   Whew!!.. just in time ... I got all my Christmas shopping done with one fell swoop... I hope everyone enjoys their Netflicks trial offers :)

   The only instant messaging I do is with my middle finger.

   wishes there was an app that let you reach threw the computer and slap people..

   How many people have gone to bed so angry with someone you've pretended to have a nightmare , just so you can roll over and punch them in the head??

   So many fun things to say.....too many relatives on Facebook to post!!

   who else wakes up in the morning and checks their Facebook like its the morning newspaper??

   It's too bad you don't get any sexual satisfaction out of being screwed over all the time. I would be set for life!!!

   it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...no money, pretty stressed, freezing cold and running nose!

   thinks that if you see someone healthy parking in a handicapped zone, when they exit their car, you should be able to make an honest person out of them!

   I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now.

   "Hey Mary, what is this I hear about you having sex with God for money?" "Oh. Nothing. I was just trying to make a little prophet."

   your crush ignoring your text messages? They're playing hard to get, start showing up at their Facebook check-in locations.

   is excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

   Dear God, When I was young I said always wanted to be a hip-hop rapper...Not a Christmas gift wrapper...in a mall...on a rainy Wednesday. FML