Funny Status Messages

   just realized there's Amish people living at the end of my street. There's a sign down there that says "No Outlet"

   Don't be upset if she preferred someone else, it's difficult to convince a monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas...

   I had social networking when I was a kid, too. I think back then it was called "outside."

   This 'places' thing still scares me a little. It's like saying, "Hey stranger, come find me, look I made it really easy for you."

   Now that you really think about it, you've never seen me and Batman in the same room have you?

   Who is wise? He that learns from everyone. Who is powerful? He that governs his passions. Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.

   Just passed a street sign that said "Slow Children at Play". That's not very nice.

   If you only remember one thing today, remember this.

   "Dear Life ...Patience is a virtue of a few and I have been ur sincere student for quite sometime now so plz give up on the idea of me giving up....Destiny awaits me......"

   Due to the politcal climate in America today, all "Target" stores will be changing their names to "Objective"

   No one wants to hear a guy say 'they're getting 8" tonight', hence the reason all weather reporters should be female, cuz who doesn't like to hear a woman talk dirty like that, even if it's about snow?

   was so depressed last night I called a lifeline...call center was in afghanistan, I told them I was suicidal and they got all excited and ask if I could drive a truck...

   Tip: Don't blow your nose in a well used public restroom...sometimes being stuffed up is a good thing....unless you like the sensation of being punched in the face with a sack full of a**holes...

   I gotta admit, I got a lil excited when I heard they're remaking Total Recall, this time with Colin Farrell. I was wondering who they'd get to play the 3 breasted mutant prostitute ... then it hit me ... SNOOKI would be perfect!

   Honestly.... I really do care where and when you workout

   later on this week I go to the doctor & see my arch enemy again...the scale

   Little Jonny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Apparently "3 BJs and enough left for a kebab" was the wrong answer!

   The best gift anyone has ever given me is the truth. I will take the truth over a cleverly wrapped lie every time.

   According to a new survey, 40% of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60% already live here.

   In West Virginia, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching him because he was completely out of breath.