Funny Status Messages

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

   the best gift is the one that keeps giving Thats why I bought my wife a stripper pole this year

   Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

   making a New Years resolution to not make a New Years resolution.

   Due to flooding, my kid's school is closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school–uphill–both ways.

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction.

   Hi google earth, please update location 4.025639 ,- 39.423074, I am in a cool yacht posing naked

   Most people have fears of spiders, snakes, heights, clowns, etc. But I'm mainly scared of diseases. Expecially that one you get from marriage, Onegina...

   Lefties can argue all they want that they are better than people who use their right hand, but I know for a fact that the right leg is more important than the left. How many people use their left leg when they drive an automatic car?

   Being single doesn't mean your weak, it means you're strong enough to wait for what YOU deserve.

   An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

   Facebook will soon become the world's leading source of unwanted information about people's New Year's resolutions.

   wondering where Noah kept the woodpeckers on the ark

   Fruitcakes are like kids. Eighteen years later they're often still found just sitting around your house.

   I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.

   High on life and also a tiny bit of paint.

   says it just isn't fair there are children starving in Africa, And I wake up looking this good.

   Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.