Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   likes it when my computer says "Are you sure you wanna continue unprotected?"

   I really do wish there was a pause button in life, like those twix commercials when you "need a moment?" I would smack the shet out of some people and they would have no idea what hit them!

   Ever notice there aren't any Asian Nascar drivers.

   You know you're driving a new car when the items you pull from your nose go out the window and not on the floor mat.

   just won $10 on a scratch off lottery ticket...that's right, I'm rich.

   So... Do you like casual sex... or should I put on my tie?

   This weekends forecast; Mostly drunk, Scattered shots, with a slight chance of falling down.!!

   We've got to give a little love, have a little hope, make this world a little better.!

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

   the best gift is the one that keeps giving Thats why I bought my wife a stripper pole this year

   Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

   making a New Years resolution to not make a New Years resolution.

   Due to flooding, my kid's school is closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school–uphill–both ways.

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction.

   Hi google earth, please update location 4.025639 ,- 39.423074, I am in a cool yacht posing naked

   Most people have fears of spiders, snakes, heights, clowns, etc. But I'm mainly scared of diseases. Expecially that one you get from marriage, Onegina...

   Lefties can argue all they want that they are better than people who use their right hand, but I know for a fact that the right leg is more important than the left. How many people use their left leg when they drive an automatic car?

   Being single doesn't mean your weak, it means you're strong enough to wait for what YOU deserve.