Funny Status Messages

   I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

   Sometimes I like to masturbate big words into my sentences, even if I don't know what they mean..

   I had a fight with my shoelaces this morning. It ended up in a tie.

   no wonder gangsters pants hang so low there so full of sh*t

   Quite certain that my cat, as he lies here “purring” beside me, is plotting ways to kill me in my sleep. Or at least a clever plot that will ultimately end up in me finding a turd in my shoe in the morning.

   Dear Employer, I have worked insane amounts of hours for you; shed blood; even went through a divorce because of you. Is it too much to ask for some decent toilet paper up in here?

   Does Steven Tyler remind you a Jack Sparrow or am I crazy?

   Due to inclimte weather, all shenanigans are cancelled until further notice

   Stop takin pics with yo Income TAX/Grant Money from school. You Broke

   Why is it so hard to find information without paying for it? but I can google Kevin Bacon, Justin Bieber and that OctoMom for free?!? AH

   Dear Tostitos, make your dip jars shorter and wider so your chips can actually fit inside them. Thanks

   In case you havn't been outside or looked at any of your 376 other friends status's... I'm stating the obvious, it's cold.

   You know your a Packer fan when you consider your season a success by beating the 'Bears' and not by rings on your fingers

   you know your a Packer Fan when the bluebook value of your truck goes up and

   The Steelers have enough Rings to become a Planet!!!

   ...can't believe how less sophisticated and superstitious the people of Egypt seem like on tv. I mean it's ridiculous!! Hey, did anyone see whether the ground hog saw his shadow today??....

   Just got a new puppy! I named him Go away, poor little guy is going to be so confused everytime I call him.

   reading other statuses right now, but your status is important to me. Please stay online and your status will be read in the order it was received. Approximate wait time is 17 mins.

   Just built a time machine, it's taken me days and heaps of uncooked macaroni. I wrote this tomorrow!

   Stalking is such a strong word....i perfer the term surveillance expert