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Did you know 25% of car accidents in canada involve a moose.I say we don't let them drive 
did some cross- dressing this morning , I said wheres my f**king socks
went to the head office of the RSPCA its so tiny you couldn,t swing a cat in there
You know what makes my blood boil - crematoriums
Wolfgang Dabisch invented Tippex - correct me if I'm wrong
being colourblind doesn't stop me enjoying life. the other night I saw joseph and his amazing brown coat . it was great .
has got a damaged glass front door . Hey don't knock it
tried to hang myself with a clip-on tie. Broke both of my legs
Dear Alcohol... Will you be my valentine? ♥
I'm developing a hand sanitizer that only kills the 00.01% of germs that the others can't kill. I'm going to make a fortune! : )
I would like to take this time to thank everyone for our VICTORY against global warming. Well done, everyone, well done.......
My GPS keeps sending me through sketchy neighborhoods, but I go along, ‘cause I don't want my GPS to think I'm racist.
If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.
Lucky = A man who is a woman's 1st love. Luckier = A woman who is a man's last love.
having a mental margarita. It was delivered by a shirtless cabana boy.
While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.
I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.
.569 seconds...the amount of time it takes me to get away from a spider.
When a man says "I can't find it", he actually means, "Since it is not within a two foot radius of me, I have no clue where it could be".
You know it's cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger. 