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Today may be Valentines day, but men will get their revenge in exactly one month....March 14th, look it up. 
Pizza will you be my valentine?
First Lady Gaga shows up at the VMAs covered in meat. Then arrives at the Grammys in an egg. She's only about two red carpets away from being a Denny's Grand Slam.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
That today a small kid dressed in diapers with a bow and arrow came knocking on my door and I turned the hose on him.... come to think about it I might be confusing Halloween with Valentine's Day!
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.
What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum
Jail: the government's way of sending you to your room
the kinda guy your mother warned you about. Warned you not to let get away because a good man is hard to find.
Valentines. Rymes with Pointless.
In 1977 Princess Leia asked Obi Wan for help...on 2011, she asked Jenny Craig
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, some poems rhyme, others don't
Why do I keep seeing the word "surprised" on statuses? Really! Today you were surprised to get candy and flowers at work from your bf, gimme a break. Tattoo nieve on your forehead please.
when I got pulled over, the cop said he clocked me doing 75 mph in 55 mph zone. I asked "WHERE D'YA GET THAT APP?"
would like to remind any unhappy souls today that St Valentine was beaten to death with clubs
On Valentines day I am actually ❒ Single ❒ Taken ❒ Ball'in ❒ Pimp'n ✔ Hungry for Chocolate
Today is the only day Women can relate to condoms, their either on you or in your wallet !
I just got an email asking me if I wanted to "be larger so I could please my lady." Heck no! She's the one who put me on this diet to begin with!
I called in sick for work today. It was a sunday, my boss says "you dont work today" I paused and said "oh..ill call you tomorrow than"
the best thing about Valentines day is...half price chocolate Tuesday! 